To the bastard whole stole my purse:

Thanks for leaving the library books. I hope you catch my cold from all the old tissues you had to touch to get to my wallet!!! Hope you enjoyed your shopping spree, and that you atleast shared some of your stolen wealth by getting gifts for loved ones. You'll need to change the Palm batteries soon, and I think extra cords are available on e-bay. The checks have been voided, but if you buy one more smoothie at the mall, you can fill up my frequent customer card and get the free one I've been working toward. And no, it wasn't cold driving home with no passenger side window. Thanks for leaving the cell phone charger, mich

Honest to pete--you could have knocked me over with a feather yesterday afternoon, when in broad day light I discovered that my purse was lifted from my locked car in the gym parking lot. I went to pop my bag in the back seat and saw "sparkles" on the seat, and my first thought was, "Why is there road salt on my seat?" I returned to the gym where the staff was very helpful in getting me phone numbers and internet access to cancel my life. They even vacuumed up the glass. After waiting for close to 3 hours, the sheriff's deputy finally arrived to take down the information. He told me that the gym parking lot is notorious for break ins! You'd think they'd alert the members with a sign or something......but no, instead they have signs posted that they are not responsible for articles lifted in the locker rooms. No wonder they were a finally oiled machine when it came to calling the cops and cleaning up the mess. I should have known something was up!

I think we all need to revisit the mantra I preach to the goslings: "Don't touch shit that doesn't belong to you!!"

That was day one of Christmas vacation. Surely it will improve, right?